Completely different!
I am in the process of writing a novel on Facebook using the very limited comments fields
This is an ongoing serial story posted as my status from time to time.
It was collected after the story had been going for a while and an episode or two may have been missed - but it probably does not matter. Typos have not been edited.
more will be revealed
It is the story of Rasputin, an alcoholic rabbit, who is endeavoring to take over Farmville and then eventually Facebook. It is supremely silly - it is full of typos but it is fun and probably worth sharing... there will be a photo at the bottom to make it worth your while to keep reading,
chapter 2 is in progress
Chapter 1
Once upon a time there was a renegade rabbit, a bellicose bunny who drank gin in the morning and dreamed of the coming revolution in Farmville after which the animals would rule and the humans would be confined to the barnyards. His friends told him that Geroge Orwell was writing fiction, but he did not believe them.
Back story on the revolutionary rabbit who is posed to take over farmville. In the deep sub basements of a well known pharmaceutical company there is a top secret lab which has found a way to insert human DNA into its test animals to better gauge the adverse results on them. This was not a job that your average biol...ogy PhD would want, so the company dispensed with the usual pre employment psychological exams.
The rabbit, named Rasputin by the scientist who gave him several DNA assists, realized taking over farmville would be just the first step, but also knew it had to be achieved flawlessly. His first move was to reduce the price of seed and grain and announce he was running for the office of Mayor which was vacant due to the sudden, unexpected demise of Floyd Walker
Floyd Walker who succumbed to a heart attack incurred while taking afternoon liberties with Farmer Thomas' wife - speciffically upon being interrupted by Farmer Thomas who had gotten an anonymous phone call urging him to return home early from his hunting trip.
Rasputin realized the charm of farmville was getting others to do your work for you - a talent he'd always tried to cultivate. Before long he had people posting Elect Rasputin posters on everything from fence posts to the sides of grazing cows. Not content with that he searched facebook and found members of the Flori...da Election Board who he hired as poll watchers.
Rasputin, the rabbit who was elected mayor of farmville, began consolidating power immediately.The chief of police was replaced with possum and a pitbull was hired as the new tax assessor. In his inagural speach he promised those who stood with him that they would soon be able to replace their ordinary lives with thei...r farmville fantasies - and that sex was going to be implemented soon. "After all, I am a Rabbit "
On the far side of the barnyard the chickens were not swayed by the Rabbit's retoric. "Pullet power," they yelled as they piled out of the coop.
Rasputin who had studied slient kills with the Ninjas of Kyoto, assault weaponry with the bubbas of Georgia, and WMD with you know who, was not prepared for such a sudden and overwhelming attack. Four holes were pecked in his left ear before he could get to his truck, only to discover he'd left his keys in the pants he wasn't wearing because he was a rabbit.
After the coop the chickens realized they had no coherant plan for running Farmville let alone taking over Facebook. Though some argued they should return to their former life, a clear majority was tired of laying eggs and having a destiny that included the word "fried". After scratching about for a while they realiz...ed that the fact no one would take them seriously could be used to their advantage.
Things were quiet for the first few days following the chickens ascension to power in Farmville, but the peace proved fragile as an egg when one of the hens, A Rhode Island Red named Cassandra, had a vision which unfortunately included a large vat of soup. Cassandra who already had something of a position as a spiritu...al leader among the pullets, found Farmville to be a wonderful way to expand and extend her pulpit.
Aware that there was a resistance building, the chickens began an aggressive campaign to bolster their image. Chickens began volunteering ant animal shelters, became fixtures at soup kitchens, and took out a series of ads which tried to show the gentler softer side of poultry.
Having named their comando training center Camp Swami Dami, after an noted vegan, the chickens built a mock up of a KFC where they are begining to hone their assault techniques. Not content with a one front battle plan, they also have a team of programmers working on the next iteration of Facebooks privacy settings system. All the while, Rasputin Rabbit, confined to a cell in the basement of the abandoned farmhouse, has been gnawing at the rope s which are holding the door closed.
Having spent several hours pecking out their ultimatum on the keyboard, the chickens' excitement grew until one of them realized they had neglected to turn the computer on. The revolution has been put on hold for another day.
The chickens have decided this weekend is their time to try and take over the rest of facebook. The invasion plan involves a float in the fourth of july parade which will be an attachment in an email they are sending. So if you get a friend request from someone with chicken related name, ie Pullet, Marsalla, Bantam e...tc - it is best to run it through your chicken checker software.
Change has been stymied - the chickens parked their invasion ready float in the parking lot at the American Legion hall, went inside and almost immediately got into a brawl with a group of Knights of Columbus who were feeling left out of the holiday celebration. It was not a fair fight. Despite their ninja training,... they were still chickens - and the K of C were itching to put their ceremonial swords to good use. This has left a power vacuum in the land of facebook. A bunch of history buffs are rushing to complete programming on a Genghis Khan avatar which they see ideally suited to taking over Farmville but they realize they must act quickly and seize power before the rabbit is able to escape from the makeshift dungeon where the chickens had imprisoned him.
Rasputin, the rabbit intent on taking over facebook - and once the ruler of farmville, decided that chewing through an electrical feeder cable would create the instability he needed to retake control. Unfortunately, the 10000 volts that passed through his brain scrambled thins somewhat and he woke believing himself to be the reincarnation of Shirley Temple.
Angie Brisse The rest of the warren was so grossed out by his rendition of "The Good Ship Lollipop" that they immediately stabbed him, poisoned him, wrapped him on a rug, and threw him into the freezing Volga river.
can the revolution end in such a mundane fashion? Or did the paranoid Rasputin have a bunny double?
Though Rasputin survived the assignation attempt following his first campaign appearance in which he wore a curly wig, and did a rendition of Good Ship Lollypop which drew the attention of a United Nations inspection team looking for WMDs, he decided that he would switch to "The World Owes Me a Living" as a campaign plank.
Rasputin Rabbit the erstwhile dictator of Farmville was last seen confined to the basement of an abaondoned farmhouse. The news, today, is that he has been freed! A donkey who had watched the chickens' accension to power, and their subsiquent roasting at the hands of the Knights of Columbus, was able to find a way to... break through the cellar stairs and reach our hapless hero. Unfortunately for Rasputin...The donkey's motives were not political, but, rather were amorous for this burro had a fetish for small furry animals. Rasputin greeted his release with joy until he felt a large tomgue in his ear.
Rasputin, wearing a leather harness festooned with chrome nubbies which spelled out "sex slave" and again confined in the basement of the farmhouse by the kinky donkey, was afraid his political career was finished - until he learned that his master's website "Kinky Barnyard" got more hits than the sites for the Metro...politan Museum and Dilbert combined.Now, he reasoned, if he could only get out of his restraints, he had a new path to power in Farmville. And the good news was that because the donkey lacked thumbs he was not that good at tying knots.
The donkey, now restrained in the basement was quite unhappy at the reversal of roles. All the while, Rasputin was working with the renegade Facebook programmer he'd once rescued from a compromising position in a seedy bar to give Farmville a whole new look. Utilizing the houses abandoned by those who had bored of th...e game, he had his sights on opening the first virtual bordello on a social networking site.
The power hungry rabbit was counting the virtual profits from the first weeks receipts at Rasputin's Rascal Ranch when he heard a car pull up. Most of the girls were back in the barn, but the thought he could scare up some critters. Looking out the window he saw it was not a car but a van emblazoned with "First Churc...h of Farmville on its sides in big gold letters which were set off against the purple paint job.
The first off the van at the Rascal Ranch was the preacher wearing a long black robe. He was followed by the choir, six young women and four men wearing red robes. Once gathered in a semi circle the reverend spoke, his voice loud and deep. "My God is a joyful God," he nodded to the choir who slipped out of their rob...es, revealing bikinis or less, and began to sing "Love Lifted Me". Rasputin, who was delusional about many things, but not about business realized he had met the competition and they had him beat. The spend a night with a sow offering had only appealed to a couple of very drunk men who had left vowing to ...go into a rehab. He had nothing to offer even close to the angelic women (and men) in his yard. Then next hymn was "He's got the whole world in his hands" sung solo by a buxom young woman, who used her hands to demonstrate exactly how much of the she meant. It was a novel arrangement and Rasputin found himself moving out onto the porch to get a better view.
Rasputin immediately knew he was out classed. He breifly thought about joing them, but the memories of a total imersion baptism and near drowning he'd partaken in as a desperate attempt to cure a class VII hangover kept him on the porch as he resumed his waiting game.
Reverend Roy, who had worked his way through seminary by managing a strip club out by the airport, took what he considered to be an enlightented attitude to dogma. Upon assuming the role of ruler of Farmville, he sent his choir out to survey the residents as to their attitude towards concubines (male or female). Thi...s he figured might well get their attention and could provide a source of positive cash flow.Please list below your thoughts and desires as to the availability of concubines (of either sex) on Farmville. which foreign country would you like them to come from?
Seeking allies, Rasputin went to a knights of Columbus function (they, after all had been very useful in dispatching the chickens), but to his dismay Roy had gotten there first. Two of the women were tending bar, and pouring generously it should be added, and Roy was in deep conversation with one of the leaders.
Knowing his proverbial goose was definitely in the oven, the foiled rabbit was headed to his lair to consider his options when he passed a group of women headed into a side door of the Methodist church.
Knowing that a couple of them were t...he wives of the men he'd just left, he guessed he had stumbled upon an Al-anon meeting and, making one of those life changing spur of the moment decisions he followed them into the building.
possible end of chapter 1
